Dear Pearl –

I am so, so sorry. I never meant to hurt you or make you feel like last year’s hot item. Will you please take me back?

My little fling with iPhone wasn’t that serious and lasted only four weeks, so surely you can see I was not (very) unfaithful. It wasn’t that I doubted your loyalty and undying service -- it was that sexy screen, you see, with those big, luscious, crisp and clear You Tube videos… everyone was doing it and talking about it. I couldn’t stand the pressure and I, well, just had to try it.

But I would much rather travel with you. You always deliver my emails, anywhere in the world, on time and without all of those fits and delays. She, well, was finicky, requiring all sorts of adjustments in order not to endlessly data roam in Europe and even then, she cost me a fortune while you have always been so frugal overseas.

And how demanding she turned out to be in the car, requiring both of my hands and my full attention even while negotiating heavy traffic. I think she almost killed me – twice. You, Pearl, always understand my voice commands and flawlessly dial hands-free. She never listened, even when I bought special accessories for her from the App Store.

Talk about high maintenance – keeping her energized took an almost daily charge. And while I know I never told you, you have a very nice keyboard – and you have never complained about my large fingers. iPhone howled relentlessly every time I typed even the most basic phrases.

I confess I thought iPhone would make me feel younger and cooler, but alas a middle-aged balding man just looks foolish fumbling to figure out whose call was just dropped.

Pearl, I hope that you understand that this was just a stage in life and that everything will be back to normal soon (as soon as I sell my red convertible). Will you please take me back?